LOS ANGELES  - Controversial Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais has no plans to attend the Oscars, but he has written a snarky opening monologue for Anne Hathaway and James Franco.

"Good luck to James Franco and Anne Hathaway at The Oscars on Sunday. I know how nervous they must be right now...They will do an absolutely fantastic job and don't need my help, but I've written a little opening in case they have a few minutes to fill," The British comedian wrote in a blog post.

In Gervais' fake script, Franco says: "Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!"

Adds Hathaway, "No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly."

"Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of 'The Office'," says Franco.

"But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…" adds Hathaway. "He's doing some charity work. Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer. He's telling them what bald little losers they are…."

Gervais also includes an exchange in which Franco tells Hathaway, "Oh Anne you are naughty. In a respectful, wholesome way...That Ricky Gervais should do more for charity...Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding, 'Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny.'"

Answers Hathaway, "Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?"

Says Franco, "It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have Botox or suck up to important producers -- there's something wrong with him."

Gervais also takes digs at Franco's Oscar-nominated movie "127 Hours" ("You probably know me from '127 Hours' where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this .... ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.")

And he riffs on Hathaway being cast as Catwoman ("And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.")

And presenters ("Presenting awards tonight will be a string of Hollywood legends and some other actors who have a film out in March or April.").