The first time I came across the Chinese expression koushui zhan, I interpreted it as a fight, in the form of spitting at each other, as koushui means saliva and zhan fight. Yet, as I probed further into its cultural connotations, I found that this expression is often used to describe a situation when a heated argument completely deviates from what was originally meant.

In such circumstances, both parties involved in the dispute often misinterpret a statement and grab a single point out of context to criticize, and then they spit it back at the person who opposes their view.

Of the many examples, the debate over Amy Chua's book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is a case in point. The discussion surrounding the book has gradually turned into a koushui zhan about the Chinese parenting style and its US counterpart. It seems there is a clear-cut demarcation between the way Chinese parents raise their children and the way American parents do. And it also seems that there is the most proper way of parenting.

The first misinterpretation is that Amy Chua represents all Chinese mothers, or at least, most Chinese mothers. Many Chinese mothers do have high hopes that their children will outshine others in school, as Amy Chua does. Yet, most know there should be a limit to the strictness of their discipline or their children may otherwise develop an aversion to studying. Amy Chua's case is an extreme one even among over-pressured middle-class parents in China.

Another misinterpretation is that some involved in the argument believe, or pretend to believe, there is such a thing as a standard style of parenting - somewhere in between the over-strict discipline and over-coddling - that can make children naturally live up to their abilities.

To be fair, even Amy Chua's parenting style, which is considered by many to be cruel, does work with kids who are talented in music but who are not old enough to develop the willingness to endure the monotony of regular practice sessions. I still remember my conversation with a well-known violinist years ago. He told me how his parents pulled him over their knees for skipping the required practice sessions. He told me that he would not have become what he was without the strict discipline his parents exerted on him.

The problem is that parents must be wise enough to know whether a child has the potential to become somebody in a particular field. Of the many parents who have forced their children to play a particular kind of musical instrument from their childhood, only a few of these children have gone on to be professional musicians.

Most parents who do that now say that they just want their children to develop a hobby that will benefit them in many different ways. Very few force their children as hard as Amy Chua did hers.

Of course, I do not approve of tyrannical parenting. What I want to emphasize is the fact that children vary in their characters and potential. Good parenting should be based on the parent's understanding of their children: What their merits and flaws are and where their potential is. Then the style of parenting will be tailor made for their children.

Maybe there are some children, who are extremely talented and have the potential to make an excellent musician in the future, but they need some discipline to push them before they develop the habit of doing regular practice sessions on their own. Then Amy Chua's parenting style might be appropriate.

On the other hand, there is no need to push children who are obedient and diligent with too demanding requirements, which might curb their natural abilities, for those children who are not so naturally talented, such a parenting style might be needed so as to make the children achieve their potential. It is natural for parents to expect the best of their children. But it is unrealistic that all children will be able to develop into somebody in a particular field however hard their parents try.

There is no such a thing as a standard style of parenting that suits all children; it depends on the character and potential of a particular child.

To know one's children well is the prerequisite for being a good parent. Good parenting starts with good communication with one's children and knowledge that the way of parenting must be the one fit for the child.

The author is a senior writer with China Daily. E-mail: zhuyuan@chinadaily.com.cn

(China Daily 03/23/2011 page8)