A growing number of Chinese men are looking to forge friendships with foreign women, and buck the cultural trend of "marrying up", as Zhang Yuchen reports.

Even though she has lived in Beijing for several years, Chinese men are still a closed book to Cathie Watson. The 27-year-old from the UK says she is unable to read the signs - or more accurately, the lack of signs - given off by Chinese men. "Quiet", "hard to reach out to" and "shy" are the words that emerge when Watson tries to describe them.

"I have rarely met a Chinese man who greeted me proactively or initiated a discussion," said the English teacher at a school in Beijing. "They don't seem to be fun to hang out with."

Conversely, a few Chinese guys do go to the opposite extreme. Watson said total strangers have approached to ask for her phone number. "They hadn't even spoken with me, so how come they can they just ask for my phone number?"

Although Watson's impressions of Chinese men suggest a lack of engagement, an increasing number of them are becoming interested in meeting non-Chinese women for long-term relationships.

Studies show that it's rare for Asian men to marry Western women. Usually, the process of "marrying up" involves women from less-developed countries marrying Western men, according to Ming Li, a senior marriage counselor in Shanghai. Against that backdrop, Asian men marrying women from outside their own ethnic grouping are in a distinct minority.

However, Hu Yiqiang is hoping to buck the trend. He has set his heart on finding a non-Chinese wife or partner, mainly because he is frustrated at the demands made by Chinese women - a big house, a luxury car and a good job are the usual requirements cited by Chinese dates, Hu said, but that's not what he wants.

When he posted ads on the website of a famous Beijing lifestyle magazine, his sole intention was to find a wife from overseas. "I like girls who are: Kind, show filial piety and are self-motivated. They are the best," Hu wrote in his ad. " I'm willing to go shopping with her; or rather, I'm willing to accompany her to do whatever she wants or plans to do."

The 31-year-old Hubei province native works as street vendor, but he also owns an online shop that sells Chinese-themed travel souvenirs. With only a middle high school graduation diploma, he was unable to enter higher education, and so he moved to Beijing to work and began teaching himself English.

Hu met his first foreign girlfriend, a Norwegian, on the campus of Beijing Second Foreign Language University. "She asked me to move to Norway with her, but I was afraid of the chilly weather there," he said. "I was too young to grasp the chance." Later a Japanese friend rejected his advances because of his low level of formal education.

Despite having been turned down by almost all the Chinese women he's dated a couple of times, Hu, who has adopted the English name David, remains optimistic about his chances in the marital lottery.

Ingrained obstacles

Wang Kunpeng, a Beijinger who works as in the service department of a large multinational logistics company, has a clear idea of how hard it is for Chinese men to find wives from overseas.

"I see I'm not the only one looking for a different relationship," said Wang, whose English name is Martin. "Looking for a foreign wife is really not easy, and for a Chinese guy, it's almost the most difficult thing to achieve."

Wang's desire to marry a woman from overseas is partly motivated by competition with his sister, who married a man from Japan, and he has experienced many obstacles from home and abroad. Because they hold fast to traditional notions, Wang's Chinese friends and colleagues have shown little support for his plan, and he has also noticed a distinct lack of enthusiasm from his foreign friends.

Still, he sees himself as being different from everyday Chinese men. "I began to listen to symphonies about half a year ago, to immerse myself in their beauty. I now realize that the inner world I live in differs from my mom's, which is something I'm not really accustomed to," he said.

During the weekend, he studies Japanese in preparation for the future because his company is branching out in the US, France and Japan.

A student from the US once told him that he should love himself, and then he will be able to love others. "That alone is hard for any Chinese person," Wang said.

But when ruminating about life with a potential foreign spouse, he seems to have no clue of what may occur, and appears not to have considered how he would manage a cross-cultural relationship or the inevitable challenges that would be thrown up by their different family backgrounds.

Despite Wang's apparently casual attitude, making a relationship endure is hard work, according to one expert. "People who can manage a long-term relationship in multiple languages and cultures must have a special combination of intelligence, diligence, and patience. I have great respect for them," said Roy Huggins, a professional counselor in Portland, Oregon.

Future imperfect

Hu is also uncertain about his future plans. "I may start a travel agency specializing in overseas destinations," he said vaguely. His e-mail contained more than a dozen attachments, introducing him and his plans, which include traveling the world with his future wife.

Roseanne Lake, a China-based writer from the US, has interviewed many Chinese women. In her experience, one regular comment she hears is that Chinese men are not very proactive in the dating or courtship process, and the phrase habitually used about them is bu zhu dong, meaning, "Don't take the initiative".

"I think that many - not all, but many - Chinese men are looking for a wife with a 'domestic' or 'introverted' character, or at least a sense of security. This is changing, of course, but it has been such a dominant aspect in how wives have been chosen for such a long time, that remnants of this thinking are still prevalent," said Lake, who has lived in China for more than four years.

Alicia Feng, 26, who works for a law firm, recently arrived in China from the US and has found that people are very different from her peers back in California. "I think it's just because of the cultural differences, but men here just appear more introverted. I haven't spoken with that many, so I guess it doesn't automatically signal a lack of confidence," she said.

Andrea Bacon, 29, came to Beijing more than 18 months ago with her Chinese boyfriend. They met in 2010 while studying on a PhD exchange program in Philadelphia. "We were in the same class, and his industry and talent attracted me at first. Later, I discovered that he has more humility than any other man I have ever met, and I really began to notice him," said Bacon who works as a foreign expert in a State meteorological lab.

When she took the plunge and decided to accompany her boyfriend to Beijing, the challenge was huge, for both parties. "It became serious at that time, and we planned the next steps. Obviously, Beijing is quite a strange place for me and at the beginning he tried to accompany me to many multicultural events so I could mingle in a familiar environment. I thought that was very sweet," Bacon said.

However, she admitted that her boyfriend's attitude is very Chinese and the problems that face all young people in the big city, such as buying a house, weigh heavily on him. "He always seems to be under some sort of pressure, but I care more about how well we get along with each other," she said.

Staying power

Most people in interracial relationships said they believe that good communication, trust and understanding are essential to make a relationship work. The hard part, however, lies within the institution that occurs later.

According to Ming Li, the marriage counselor, 20 percent of the cases she deals with involve interracial marriages. "Once you've entered into the institution of marriage, no matter whether it's people from the same culture or a different one, it's better to stick with it to the end," she said.

For Roy Huggins, who has provided long-term counseling for 10 interracial couples in the US and other countries since 2010, overcoming cultural differences is crucial to ensuring the longevity of a relationship.

"Based on academic studies and my experience with clients from Japan, Southeast Asia, and a few from China, being from a collectivist culture, Chinese partners are likely to clash with American or other Western partners about responsibility to family and helping each other meet individual needs. For example, a Chinese partner may think less of an American or Canadian, etc, partner who seems 'needy'," he said.

While researching a recent article "It's Hard to Say 'I Love You' in Chinese", Roseann Lake discovered that Chinese men find it very hard to cross the boundary into uncharted territory and express their love in a straightforward, direct way, even though they may be intensely in love with their partner or spouse.

The last word goes to Hu Yiqiang, whose ad read: "I won't care what jobs you did before. I won't care about what you have done before, as long as it wasn't illegal and you have no criminal record, just as long as you will fall in love and marry me in the near future."

Contact the author atzhangyuchen@chinadaily.com.cn

(China Daily USA 03/21/2014 page7)