Never before have so many gifts changed hands. In China, giving presents has become a must when the festival season arrives, when wedding bells ring, or babies are born. Giving a gift is also the done thing when you entrust someone to take care of something for you. There is even an ad on Chinese TV that trumpets the most important characteristic of any gift you give: the bigger the better.

Many Westerners are amazed by this gift-giving phenomenon, found everywhere in Chinese society. They believe it is Chinese culture they are dealing with, and that it should be learned and respected, as in "When in Rome do as the Romans do", but this is a misconception.

Since ancient times China has been renowned as "the kingdom of courtesies", so debate about ritual propriety is common. In The Piety Scripture written 2,000 years ago, there was a concise and classic elaboration saying: "Ritual propriety is simply a matter of respect."

In Chinese culture, any ritual propriety is a token of respect. There are two major aspects to this: first, the respect has to be from your heart, out of sincerity. Only this kind of ritual propriety is meaningful, otherwise it is worthless and fake; second, your heartfelt respect has to be shown in certain forms and gestures, so that the object of respect can sense it.

Language, body gestures, gift giving are all forms of ritual propriety. Giving gifts is a way of expressing your heartfelt respect, and self-interested aforethought should not come into it. Here are two examples:

All forms of rites before the Qin Dynasty (221-207BC) are recorded in the Confucianism classics Yili, Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial. One chapter outlines how educated people should behave when they encounter one another. Among educated people, gifts - what the Chinese often call jianmianli, "first-meeting gift" - should only be given at the first encounter. The guest visiting the host for the first time brings along a pheasant. When the host hears of the gift he shows his humility by saying that, being younger than the guest and being one of such little renown, he cannot accept it. How could he accept the gift for no good reason? The guest then says that he dared not visit his distinguished host without a gift. Finally the host accepts the gift, chatting with the guest and establishing their friendship. The following day, or whenever it is convenient, the host pays a return visit to the guest, taking along the very pheasant the guest gave him. Since the pheasant is returned, no gifts have been exchanged.

Aristocrats before the Qin Dynasty also behaved like this. The lack of transport left little chance for princes living far apart to meet that often. To keep up their friendship they employed envoys to deliver gifts. Yili, Book of Etiquette and Ceremonial, spells out the rituals to be adhered to when a prince meets an envoy. And one chapter of Liji, Book of Rites, talks of the meanings of such rituals.

One guest country's envoy brings an exquisite jade bar to the host country as a gift. The bar is carefully placed in a special box. When the envoy reaches the host country's border he removes it from the box and examines it carefully to ensure it is OK and wipes it delicately. When he arrives, the host prince holds a grand welcoming ceremony, and the envoy then solemnly presents the jade bar to the prince as a token of respect for the host country. The prince accepts the gift in a spirit of humility and goodwill, and the gift-giving ceremony is over. But once the envoy has completed his mission and gone home, the host prince holds a grand "jade returning" ceremony. The jade accepted earlier is solemnly returned to the envoy.

Those living in modern society may well ask: since the gift was accepted, why should the prince bother to return it? The book explains that using a precious jade bar to exchange greetings is an important rite for the princes. Returning the jade bar means they cherish the goodwill behind the bar rather than the bar itself.

According to the "principle of reciprocity" in ancient Chinese society, when an envoy brought a precious jade bar, the host country was required to present a gift of equal value, or even expensive gifts. The risk was that each country would focus on whose present was more expensive, so their intention to renew their friendship would no longer be appreciated. What's more, if the princes exchanged their friendship this way they would set a bad example to their people. The aim of the jade returning ceremony was to tell the people that when two countries cherished each other they should emphasize that it was the thought rather than the gift that counted. Following the noble example set by the aristocrats, their people would follow suit in their everyday friendships.

Two points are worth noting about the examples just cited. First, integrity was the norm at that time, and not many people, including princes, accepted gifts unless there was a good reason to do so. At least, that was the way you were expected to behave. Second, as a means of communication, gifts often have symbolic meaning. For example, the gift exchanged between educated people was a pheasant, a kind of wild chicken. The ancients reckoned that once a pheasant was caught it would kill itself, so it was hard to catch one alive. The pheasant acted in a "dignified" way. The learned used pheasants as a gift to symbolize good virtue.

The "jade retuning" ceremony was also full of significance. The love for jade is deep rooted in traditional Chinese society. Ancient Chinese attached rich cultural significance to it. It is regarded as the symbol of kindness because of its mild, soft texture.

Jade is also the symbol of wisdom because of its crisp, short sound, and it is the symbol of sincerity because it has flaws that it never seeks to cover. So a nobleman often took jade as a symbol of virtue. Some say it has five virtues, some say it has nine. As a remainder of virtue, many noblemen in ancient times often wore jade, so it could not be removed from the body without good reason. Princes exchanged their friendship with jade in order to encourage each other to cultivate their virtue.

If gift giving is driven by anything other than pure friendship, for example, taking advantage of the other's power for one's own interest, it violates the intention of the ceremony; it then turns into nothing less than bribery and corruption.

China is still on its way to modernization, with some of the ills that can bring. It is to be hoped that our foreign friends can discern the difference between what is truly excellent Chinese culture and an impostor culture that is vulgar and abusive. So do not blindly "do as the Romans do". Doing so in fact contributes to these unhealthy ways.

Do not forget, also, that because of the Chinese emphasis on the principle of reciprocity, when dealing with Chinese friends, do not give too precious a gift. If you do so you will increase the burden on them of gift returning. The quality of gift lies not in its material value, but in the friendship behind it. There is a Chinese saying, qianli song emao, li qing qingyi zhong, the gist of which is: though the goose feather sent from afar may be light, the thought behind it is heavy.

All Chinese will welcome it when you give them a small gift to commemorate your friendship.

The author is a professor at the School of Humanities and Social Sciences of Tsinghua University. The views do not necessarily reflect those of China Daily.

(China Daily 02/03/2012 page14)